All these noises
Loud

Click.
Turn.
Water rushing through pipes
Somewhere in this house

And I can feel someone's arms
Around me as I say something
And fall asleep.


You were with me
all this time
holding me together
As I fall
As I laugh
As I sleep

We hear these noises
and we're complaining
The way couples do
Before they drift away
Into dreamland

I'm typing into a screen
Sitting alone
At one in the morning
The way I always have.
You don't exist.

Forgetting to Live

if I don't think about it
I will wake up
one million miles wide
but not one foot
more wonderful inside

Daily Choices

In 35 years
will you still be
everything to me

you are
because
you have been
for so long

but in 35 years
you might
only have been
so little
if we're not careful

With or Without You

The grass outside
like the late afternoon
in my former unhappiness
When bitterness followed hope
like a daily hangover
follows an enthusiastic party

that hope is like a memory
of that Alexander Graham Bell play I was in
Wasn't I dancing in a yellow dress
Or was that the star? I can't remember my part anymore.
Trying not to lock my knees
while the main characters talked and talked
that bitterness is like the taste of warm water

Like a lighthouse
was some feeling of old knowing about
how thing really work out
how things improve
how life is hard and good when you least want it to be
Change in the air
could have just been the feeling of
being at the end of one's rope

The sky was hanging over us
We didn't know each other yet
But I loved you before
Before I knew why I should love you
Before I knew my own strength
Before I was
this happy so alone

The best part of me was always in you
Even then, before we met
when I saw you
I hated you for some invisible reason
Maybe I saw me in you
And hated me you me for it.

Those days are fading with all the other memories
But you go on, like I do

Now you are me in some other place
Without me
And I am here
With or without you

The Darkside of Lampposts

One doesn't always like to shine in the darkness

After all,
Under every lamppost
Is a puddle of bird poo

Family Life

Twirling fingers around my arms
Hovering over me while I eat
Wanting me to teach her Chinese
Hoping I will wake up and find her

My heart fills and spills over
Hopes twirling around my soul
Hovering over me while I sleep
Wanting children of my own
Hoping I will wake up and find them

Like Us

All these questions about you
And before long I wonder if I've invented you
I've exaggerated the good parts
Undoubtedly you are just cotton and brains
Just like all of us

Homeward

This is the street where I lived -- once,
But I've lived more than once-
And more than once I've loved
More than once I've died of embarrassment
More than once I've gone to bed full of hope

Yet this street trumps them all

The Darker Stains

I didn't want him to touch my feet
The darkness of these dirty streets
Has stained my foreign skin

This impression--
Me, dirty deep into my skin
Receiving help and care from him
I don't like it

I'd rather be the clean one
Surrounded by a world of dirt
Than have a stranger clean my feet

Such vanity
Such egotism
Such hypocrisy

What typical humanity
This strange city reveals in me
Not only my feet need cleaning
But my heart also

Current Mood: Tired

Utter exhaustion
Like trying to see the sun
Through layers of pollution

Roots

One foot must be planted
Like those firm oaks of childhood
I used to wrap my arms around them
run my fingers along the deep grooves in the bark

Often I ran beyond the edge of our land
To the stream to drink
from that old mug hidden under the rock
Yet I always came back home
and found myself sitting
at the foot of that big oak

Even now, one foot will wander
But one foot must be planted here
In this place where I am free

I've learned to say
"I don't understand"
In two languages

But inside
I am not satisfied
With one－liners

Xi'an

This dirty city
Outside my window
Seems like a heap
of broken grey toys
Forgotten in the backyard
In the heat of summer
Piled in that place
Where the sprinkler doesn't reach

Sudden Bursts

When I purposely remember your face
I don't feel strange

But when I suddenly remember
How happy you were
To hear my voice
And how you smiled
When I came down for breakfast
My heart breaks
A great, pale loneliness

You were my dad

Where To Now?

Not good enough

not good enough

posted everywhere

a banner on the mirror

a sign on the streets where i drive

across my heart



my eyes look like the bottom of teardrops

just as wet

i could evaporate, too.
i don't want that.

gratitude could save me
could reach into this cloud that overcame me

it could crystallize this truth into humility
instead of empty frustration
instead of pity.

Walls

These walls are unseen at night
They hold everything in
They stand
This is my floor, where I walk
My desk, where I sit
My bed. I sleep here.

Morning light, my eyes adjust
I see these blaring, empty walls.

Logic & Love

And I suppose
that logic lives
in every water drop
that flows
and heaves
through these veins
up and over my heart

But the whoosh whoosh
whoosh
of pumping blood
beats love love love
and joy joy joy
and logic has no voice
in the heart or over it

Renew

I sludged through
Each day dreaming of you
Of life inside the dream
Of life that is more than just bearable

But we're here
You, my education
My dream coming true
The one thing that I can do with my eyes shut

And I won't do it
I wait and sludge through
Trying to make the time pass
Even though this IS the geener grass
This is my other side of the fence

What must I do to be saved.

Raise It

I don't want to do what must be done.
A childishness-
Feelings of futility that tear down
All I've worked for
Ten weeks destroyed in ten days

If this temple has been torn down
Raise it again in three days

Done

Fighting words
Fixing you
Stretching for the light
Almost free
Almost free

If I could just leave